Blindness Doesn’t Live Here Anymore
by Night Strider
Summary: Mitsui trashtalks Rukawa. Mitsui talks some sense with Rukawa. Mitsui talks nice to Rukawa. Mitsui talks romantically with Rukawa. MitRu. One shot. That’s it.


Blindness Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Disclaimer: I don't own SD boys, Inoue does. The events that follow are not included in the original plot but enjoy anyway.

Summary: Mitsui trash-talks Rukawa. Mitsui talks some sense with Rukawa. Mitsui talks nice to Rukawa. Mitsui talks romantically with Rukawa. MitRu. One shot. That's it.

A/N: Hello people. I'm writing again for some unfathomable reason. Just read and enjoy. Much obliged.

ooOOOOOOOOOoo

'I don't care.' Often that's the only right answer one can give. It's by far the only common answer fit for any question asked, any opinion thrown, any repartee uttered. Praised be the genius who invented that phrase; had he not, conversations would run longer than what is bearable. And conversations are never bearable so long as people have anything to say or worse, have anything to enjoy saying. Yet, how many hearts break when people say they don't care? Hundreds? Thousands? Millions ad infinitum? I don't care, really.

ooOOOOOOOoo

'You weren't listening, were you? I knew it. What was I thinking expecting you to listen? You of all effing jerks.'

'…'

'Will you be so kind to get that deadpan of a damned face out of here?'

'This is how I ordinarily look.'

'Well, nobody looks like that as frequently you pretend to. Hmph. Never mind, you'd better commence stringing out explanations right now and they'd better be good.'

'No one was open.'

'Well what do you think I've been all those forty minutes? Right at the side court? I was as open as the sky for shots, for Pete's sake. And so were the others. Sheesh. I'm disappointed in you; you're being unforgivably premature, not to mention amateurish. So. Is that all? If that's all don't expect me to buy your excuses for now or whatever you have in the next.'

'The rotation was lax, I couldn't get our teammates to the right spot.'

'You didn't take the cue and that's all there is to it. All my coaching fell flat on your ears. I wasted half of my throat's muscles for a fucking shameful loss and 100 percent of my stamina for making exaggerated gestures which I thought would reach you. I looked like an ape playing a charade on court earlier and you turned a fucking blind eye on me one hundred percent of the time. And you know what's worse? You don't give signs of ever trying to listen in the offing. Sakuragi is someone to consider, Akagi someone to fear. What part of it do you not understand? Why did you still go on locking the leather between your skin when you could, like, make things easier and pass it?'

'I was making us win.'

'Shit, Rukawa. Quit being an insolent fuck, will you? You knew they were going to double-team you, didn't you? I told you. Don't say I didn't warn you. And besides, you meant 'trying to make us win', not 'making us win'; the word try makes an enormous difference, you know.'

'They triple-teamed me, sempai.'

'What?'

'Triple-team.'

'Yeah I heard what you said. So that's supposed to make a clean breast out of you, huh? Being sarcastic. Well since you insisted on being specific, let's start referring to things with their proper names; I didn't know you have another character besides being an asshole.'

'You missed a lot, sempai.'

'Yeah, I know. It isn't like it's entirely my fault now, is it? I couldn't find concentration out there because you were sucking all the concentrations in the world so you could have just enough of 'em to use for your hogging-the-ball marathon. You're so good in it, you know that? So good, you could actually win a gold medal in Olympics for it.'

'I scored half our team's score.'

'I applaud your incorrigibility, truly. You nabbing tons and tons of points is the whole point, just so you know. You scored half the team's total score when _the rest_ should've been the ones to take care of it. And when I say the rest, it means you, me and the others on our boat. Nobody's asking you to make 40 baskets a game, we're just asking you to let us all play as a squad. You know, I don't want you to be the one to hear this thing, but I didn't return to Shohoku so I could gratify some lousy freshman's pathetic excuse for a basketball game.'

'Nobody asked you to come back.'

'My conscience did. These people, Mr. Anzai, Akagi and Kogure; they didn't beg for me to come back, not literally. But my conscience was there, directing me, as if it were snatching the words right from those people's mouths. So I came back and it felt right. And you? If you can satisfy your conscience, I wholeheartedly congratulate you.'

'I don't care, sempai.'

Right from the get-go, indifference seemed to be his only refuge, the only wall that could shelter him from outside, harsh opinions such as mine. I wonder whether it did even little to sting him with my incommensurably critical remarks or they did nothing at all. In point of fact, I wonder if anything could influence him at all. In any event, there he was with dominant flippancy which I used to think existed only in my imagination. He didn't care. Why should he? He had everything in the world.

ooOOOOOOOOoo

'If my guesses hit home, we would have to cut our failed subjects to two, which means mercilessly thinner margin for mistakes. Hell, what has that to do with our playing for the Inter High, I would like to know?'

'Zzzzzzzz'

'Hey Rukawa, wake up.'

'Sempai?'

'Yeah. Do you know how many subjects we're allowed to fail this year? Two! How narrow-minded can the school administration get? I can't believe this. I have more fair-weathered gangster enemies than all those people in the office put together.'

'Uh-huh.'

'Rukawa, how many do you think you're flunking?'

'Three, tops.'

'You see? That's flagrant injustice. Don't they even know how complicated English Grammar is? Or how stupidly confounding Algebra is? What about History class and oh, fucking Economics? How am I supposed to choose what to pass from all of those? They're all equally incomprehensible, not to mention each requires meticulous perseverance just for me to understand the first thing in it.'

'Pass them all, sempai.'

'Right, might as well ask a fish to sing. Hey Rukawa, have you heard about the after-school study session at Akagi's place?'

'No.'

'Well now you did. You, Sakuragi, Miyagi and I will be tutored every weekday at Akagi residence until we got something beyond the usual D, E, F. Isn't that the most immoral, contemptuously degrading thing in the history of education?'

'I think it's logical, sempai.'

'You mustn't think logically, Rukawa. Plant that in your head. That's when people start getting the wrong idea of what is good or bad. Often it results in miscarriage of justice, hence. Just think of what it does to us; it's preposterous.'

'If we don't do it, they won't let us play in the Inter High.'

'Well, that's exactly what I'm talking about; they shouldn't have imposed the two-failures-limit rule on us in the first place and everyone will be happy. I don't remember reading in the student's handbook that varsity players should perform like academic scholars!'

'It says that two failures is as far as we could go.'

'Precisely, and that's compulsory participation. Why should we pass 8 of our ten subjects to be eligible for the national competition? You see how narrow the boundaries set around us are?'

'They give us entitlement, not boundaries.'

'Oh cut the idealistic crap, Rukawa. Have some rebellious flavor in you and try to look at the things that only resemble reality in this case; they're abusing us. I can only begrudgingly endure the way they bully us students, provided I can stand idiocy. But I'm at the end of my tether here and I'll…'

'What?'

'I'll go and talk the principal out of it.'

'…'

'Well, aren't you with me?'

'I'm okay with the rules, sempai.'

'I can't believe you. Rukawa, there are so many other things to be okay with in the world, why this? We should start fighting for our cause, else we'd be dead sorry.'

'Just do with it, Mitsui-sempai.'

'The only thing I could get done with it is to lose my sanity. Rukawa, cultivate an opinion on this, will you? Think. Can you go through this two-failures-only shit enterprise?'

'I'll try.'

'That sounds like nonsense from the next galaxy. I'd roll laughing if I wasn't too surprised, believe me. Sigh. For once I'm asking you to be selfish. Think of yourself, for just one blinking moment think how catastrophic this is. Where are you going to squeeze in study hours in your daily schedule? Pray tell?'

'I said I'll try.'

'Those are the stupidest words in the entire Japanese language. Rukawa, I don't want to be the one to spoil the fun for you but here it is; I don't think you can. I can't. Sakuragi can't. Miyagi can't. I implore you to resist change, just—'

'I'm going.'

'Huh?'

'I'm going.'

'Wait. What about that? Are you sure, as in dead sure you can? Consider your position, Rukawa; there are alternatives if we only think about it. We can't sell them the privilege of taking advantage over us for a national competition, can we? Or you don't give a fuck about what they do to us? Please don't say that because that's going to feed on my brains for the better part of my life.'

'I don't care, sempai.'

He beat me badly at that and just as I predicted, it woke serious contemplation in me. How profoundly ironic it was for him to refuse selfishness when it was so native to him, so consistent, that sometimes it seemed the only thing that preserved him. He always succeeded in confusing me in various degrees, just like in any other instance when he made me fumble inconclusively to myself. It could be over a small thing or a very serious one, or anything at all. Sometimes he said things that I could only stand if I didn't listen and it was often the same thing with the things he did; I could only stand them if I didn't watch. His impertinence was such that it put a magical effect on me. From then on, I ended up listening to him because I found good in it, more of it than I ever had. True, _men don't find more good in existing longer. _

ooOOOOOOoo

'If we are to judge the results alone, I daresay you did something great for the team today. Did you see the look on Eiji's face? Hahahaha! You'd think he lost a billion bucks! So much for being-–quote and quote—the best high school player in Japan. More like high-rating fish head!'

'You did well too, sempai.'

'Of course I did. My propensity to mistakes was sooner under control when we were down twenty. My mind just zoned out and instincts took over. I just let myself go, just like that and every shot was nothing but net. It was great; I never had a greater game.'

'You went crazy?'

'How thoughtful of you to question my sanity. Well, yeah; it was quite similar to that if you disregard my life-long separation from sanity, if you know what I mean.'

'…'

'Rukawa?'

'Yes, sempai?'

'You made pretty impossible things out there. How did you do it?'

'I made them possible. You did that, too.'

'It was quite normal—I mean, back then, back when I was in junior high. I could take maximum opportunity to have the ball in my hands, drain all the shots I wanted and they'd go in, restlessly obedient to my commands. You know, I felt so rejuvenated pulling up those jumpers and I've never felt like that for quite a long time. I loathe to think that it's an incident of the extraordinary because the extraordinary don't occur too often, nor do they make themselves a normal thing. I doubt if I may be able to repeat the same feat, or something near it, some other time. For some reason, it instills on me the desire for the faraway and the long-ago and it's so sad to think that I'm well past all of those. But you, well, you're just off to a good start; continue being like that and you'll never want.'

'It doesn't matter, you did great.'

'I felt released, just like 3 years ago prior to the time when over and over again everything I did was the same, mess. Before, I was so tightly shut inside my ego, earlier it was miraculously more than that, more than the notion of fighting for myself. I felt it, pretty deeply. I was fighting for the whole team much more than formerly, didn't you feel that too?'

'I did. That's the only thing I thought about out there.'

'Yes. The winning pass to Sakuragi pretty much speaks for it. If you don't mind me asking, why did you do some principle-reversal on the game? I mean, it's not like you to trust Sakuragi or every one of us.'

'The circumstances made me.'

'Oh, yes of course.'

'You all trusted me; I should do the same.'

'That's a good point, kinda like choosing the lesser evil. To be honest, and I'm not just saying this to please you (we're both excessively pleased enough with the upshot of the game), I'm not very fond of responsibilities too. I admit I was in excellent terms with them before but when I think of it, they are mere expectations or products thereof. You're not obliged to do things by yourself, you do them because people think you should. And the thing about trust is, well, it's always a liability to be trusted.'

'You didn't like being captain.'

'Oh yes I did. I loved liabilities; they're the mainstay of my youth. They keep me from being bored. If there weren't any of them, I wouldn't be anywhere. It takes Spartan courage to be happily accustomed to a responsibility and there's a certain delight in knowing you can undertake things in a way people have dreamed of doing. Being the object of envy, if I may so label it, is a large part of it. You never get tired of things like that, until you learn that there's something missing, a huge gap, a fraudulent chasm, between what holds you together.'

'What's that?'

'I don't know. Some elusive fantasy or something else far. It could be anything. Do you realize how strange that is? Conventional philosophy would state that one cannot know what he lacks unless he sees it being possessed by another. But what is conventional isn't always right nowadays, right?'

'Could be.'

'And yet, sometimes I get this strong sensation, this cannot-be-termed inkling, that what's absent in my being is somewhere near, within arm's length. And I don't really want to find out what that is; I often say to myself, better keep me guessing, but it's not really better to abandon oneself to being clueless, right? It's just wrong. It's one of those times when I feel disoriented—no, not just disoriented, indescribably discontented, that's it.'

'Everything starts in discontent, sempai.'

'Yes, and it requires adequate recognition too because the less you think of it, the more it grates on you and randomly at that. Things would be worse in that respect. For me it's always better to know what odds you're in for, in that case you have your guard around you. '

'I don't think so.'

'Why not, Rukawa?'

'Wouldn't things be better left unknown?'

'Unsaid, not unknown. Rarely does the maxim 'what you don't know won't harm you' apply. I, for one, had my share of tough times. Remember the stupid school rule that says we are only allowed two failed subjects? I didn't know any of that and look at what happened; I almost went over stuff that I should've learned in pre-school!'

'And the gap?'

'That I can't answer. I don't know yet; and it doesn't seem like I'll do anytime soon. You, do you think there's something you lack? Something you haven't done yet but badly want and need to?'

'Maybe, I don't know…'

'Would you look for it or let it find you instead?'

'…'

'Do you even care at all, Rukawa?'

'I don't care.'

That time, it was as if he lent me what he felt deep, deep inside because I was so sure he didn't really care. He nodded at me in his standoffish way and left me to my ministrations. I didn't know why I felt bad when he said he didn't care. But along that, I felt 'relationship' in its seminal level. Don't fuss, it was as incredible to me as it is to you.

ooOOOOOOoo

'I'm sorry, sempai.'

'So that's it? It's goodbye Shohoku, hello America now, Rukawa? What about those long talks after each game? What about the life lessons I gave, those precious pieces of advice? They're gone now? Give me my due, be rational.'

'I'm grateful.'

'Well you should be because you know what? You won't hear anything like them again once you boarded that fucking plane. So go and never come back.'

'…'

'And the best part of it is I had to hear it from someone else, from Anzai-sensei. Shit, Rukawa. I didn't even dream that you were stupid enough to ever think of pursuing America.'

'I have no future here.'

'A pretty good type to be, being cynical. I see you're becoming more of an Earth person, a practical one to be accurate. Unfortunately, I don't like pragmatists. They're the worst kind of utilitarianism. You know what that utilitarianism is? That's what you're adhering to now.'

'You're an intelligent person, sempai.'

'Great. At long fucking last we agree on one thing. But that's the only thing you'll get from me; my approval to that opinion of yours.'

'That's terrible.'

'I can't counter that. Of course it's terrible. You are being terrible yourself, horrendously so. Why do I have this sneaking feeling that I wouldn't be able to please you even if I spend my entire life trying to be agreeable?'

'Don't say that.'

'Do you want me not to say it, or do you just hate to hear it?'

'Both. I said I'm so sorry.'

'Oh, don't be. It's highly unbecoming of you. I don't like to think that you've changed even before you left; it'll drive me insane the next time we see each other, granted you own half the heart to go back.'

'It's my ultimate dream to play in the NBA.'

'Why am I not surprised? It's everyone's ultimate dream, as you oughta know. The only lowdown in it is it encourages manufacture of illusions.'

'What are you trying to say?'

'Nothing, except that you must be a sellout.'

'I don't understand you, sempai.'

'Well fine. I'm glad that you don't.'

'Goodbye.'

'Shit, Rukawa, don't you see? How callous can you get?'

'What's wrong?'

'What's wrong? What? With me?'

'Yes.'

'You are what's wrong with me. You're up and coming alright. I should be happy. But any fool can see that I'm far from being happy or even wishing you well. And I don't even…'

'Know why?'

'Oh, I do. It's pretty obvious, isn't it? It's as large as life, for chrissake!'

'What, sempai?'

'Don't go. I'll be alright.'

'Huh?'

'You may think it's too selfish of me to prevent you from going on my account. Think what you will but…'

'But what?'

'What's left to fight for if we don't have you? You know Sendoh and the others have pledged their stint in the finals and Kainan's not about to blank out on its 18th consecutive championship. That's what's in store for us; nothing! Oh, what am I saying this to you for? This barely concerns your trivial suffering anyway, assuming you have any at all.'

'You didn't answer my question.'

'…'

'…'

'I don't want you to go. I cringe at thinking about it, Rukawa.'

'Thank—'

'Don't thank me, it'll only flatter both of us.'

'Will you be alright then?'

'Of course not.'

'What shall be done?'

'Stay. Duh.'

'Sempai—'

'I like you, okay?'

'Same here. You've been nice to me.'

'No, you moron! Do you honestly think that what I feel for you is some kind of acquired-by-purchase shit, that I like you just because you like me too? I fucking love you, that's what. And in case you didn't notice, it started right after the match against Sannoh. Why are you so bullheaded? I said I love you, live with it!'

'But why?'

'Why! Does it seem like I know how this came about? Many thinkers have been trying to find out for thousands and thousands of years why people just fall in love; if they know the answer, surely they would've found it out now. Life is like that, it offers no solution and when it does, the answers it gives are often closely as undermining as the problems they address. So don't ask me, please? I don't even require you to understand; I, myself, can't. I just want you to know, recognize that fact.'

'How can you be so sure?'

'There's no room for doubts in facts. There's no question with regard to what I feel. This positive torment, I just feel it, as naturally as talent flows through you and me.'

'Talent isn't like attraction.'

'It's just a metaphor. Metaphors can't be thoroughly like the truth which they represent, Rukawa, because no word in the damned dictionary could do justice to the bare truth. So even as I say that I will be happy if you stay, well, that's not enough, because there is and always will be more to it than I could say.'

'I didn't anticipate this.'

'I didn't either. I thought I was just enjoying your company. I thought it was temporary. Rukawa, I didn't plan to fall in love with you.'

'Neither did I.'

'Oh, that's not necessarily true. You knew.'

'I didn't, sempai.'

'Bullshit. Yes, you did. You agreed on talking to me, responded with every word I said, however minimally. You were conscious and the rest had to follow suit.'

'Like what?'

'Murder me. You haven't guessed it? It's so dreadfully linear, as plain as the shirt you're wearing. I find it hard to believe that it takes you a second to hit it.'

'What is it, then?'

'Well, welcoming the thought of attraction, what else? Why am I always the one to give you mental assistance anyway?'

'You said you didn't plan it.'

'I didn't, but I knew, just like you. I said I didn't plan it and you stake your claim on it too. I believe you, alright. As for me, I knew because I felt it, and feelings are often stronger than words and instincts are more reliable than visible clues, in this case at least. But unlike you, I'm not denying it.'

'I never did anything to make you love me.'

'I can only lay it before you as best I know how without exigently earning your faith. We've probably reached the point where theorizing becomes an irritant. However, I find this line efficiently suitable at this moment; _you can love another without loving what he did to you._ Is that enough? You didn't do anything to me aside from unfailingly offering me your company. And now that you decidedly stopped doing so, it nonetheless leaves its post-operative functions; it won't do to change how I look at you whether you leave or stay. If that's nothing to you, then go to hell.'

'Don't make this too difficult.'

'Then don't make this one-sided. It may interest you to know that nobody says things are easy in love. I know I had nothing of it by experience, only by hearsay but now I can't be any surer; I'm experiencing all of it. It's not served on a silver platter, it never is. It's always hard-earned. Why, people die in the name of love. Rukawa, for the life of me, please…'

'You said love is a vile thing.'

'Yes, it is. It's up to us to make good of it; that's always the way with people. Unlike what they usually say in the movies it's not all encompassing, but it can sustain you and I. For the record, I don't want it but I don't have any other choice. You see?'

'I don't—'

'Don't say you don't care. I know you do. You know you do. It's the comfort of the complex to say they don't care. But that comfort doesn't last. Tomorrow or sooner, they'll be as miserable as the ones they reject, or more.'

'I care.'

'And does that mean you feel the same, Rukawa?'

'Perhaps.'

'What notably severe words you use. 'Perhaps'. Can you be more precise? Or do you want me to answer that for you?'

'What do you think?'

'I think you do…feel the same. Caring, in its accepted meaning, isn't something you can part with love. They're born to be together.'

'I didn't know that.'

'I wonder if I believe that.'

'Then don't.'

'…'

'…'

'Rukawa, be honest for my sake. You owe that to me. It's unfair. I have patently removed from under my skin all of me; I'm whimpering under your heels, so stop being victoriously emphatic. Just because you're damn expert at concealing what you feel doesn't mean you've authority to go on pretending. I know this isn't a pattern relationship we have. I don't assure you happiness, contentment or anything in the present state. You're right to doubt, I need hardly say that; all I can offer you is my uncertainty. But all things start with uncertainties too; there can't be guarantees. For the last few weeks my self-love and self-abnegation have been feasting on each other. I'm too vexed but knowing that you're the cause of it bears goodness. I've learned to think of someone else, you. Don't leave me just a shred to cling to; I need nothing less than you. Though what for, hell knows what.'

We stared at each other for a long time; both overmuch determined not to let go of each other's glance at all costs. It seemed rehearsed but more than any thing, it seemed like a battle between obstinacy and giving in. Playing in America must've been what was missing in him as far as he knew. But as far as I knew, it was me he was missing all along. It's one thing to know what one wants, it's another to realize what he needs. He moved his head and tried to say something but I expressed it for him even before he had the chance to,

'You'll stay.' I said.

'Yes, you're right.'

It wasn't so much as the power of persuasion as it was out of rationality that I made him stay; that one time when I was without trace of hesitation, he finally complied. I never did think, not for a moment, that begging would make a difference. As a matter of candid fact, I always thought that pleading was a weapon used by childish people alone. But knowing that I would be deviating from my given nature didn't stop me from pleading out of desperation and impatience. It was among the most natural things to do at the time, however futile, begging plus reasoning. I held out my hand. He reached out for it and never said anything for a long while. Something about him seemed transfigured, internally or otherwise; finally, he cared and more importantly, loved. And that was when I felt supremely certain that he would never think of leaving me for all the world.

END

A/N: I didn't know how else to put the whole story. All the same, I'm in urgent need of a catharsis. I couldn't quite tell if this is among my fics which I consider to be decently written or among those that are contemptibly unspeakable or unspeakably contemptible. To be frank, I don't know how to write a fiction anymore. Not that I knew how from the start. Hehehehe. It seems that however hard I try I end up being unoriginal. Oh well.

One line is from Aldous Huxley and another's from Saul Bellow. I got the title from one of Tennessee Williams's plays. Don't sue me.


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